Rite of Passage
by bsloths
Summary: Flashfic oneshot for Moonlit-Jeannie. A glimpse into the Thompson High sex ed program, with some unexpected consequences for our LwD friends.


BE WARNED: this is a strong, strong T rating for frank sexual discussion. If you've had sex ed in school I'm sure you'll be fine, but I don't want to offend anyone. So if you think it'll make you uncomfortable, turn back now.

That being said…

…here's my Flash Fic entry. I had Allie. Her prompts were tough, but I like how this one came out. Hope you agree! It's set shortly before Allergy Season, because Casey and Max are still together in it.

I'll put the prompt at the end to minimize spoilers, but here are the ships: Kenvor (for you, Allie- you converted me!), Remily, Masey, and slight Dasey hints.

And a special thanks to EarnedDisillusionment for beta-ing. :)

--Brandi

Disclaimer: Since this isn't technically my story idea, I claim no responsibility for borrowing Life with Derek. But just in case: NOT MINE!

**Rite of Passage **

"Attention, students," Mrs. Campbell addressed her bored-looking junior health class on Friday afternoon. "Next week, on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, you will attend a mandatory sex education seminar during this class period. The class will be taught by Mrs. Sanchez, and due to our small size we'll be combining with the senior health class as well. Any questions?"

Every hand in the class of eight shot up. Except Derek's. He was snoozing lightly in the back row, and Mrs. Campbell decided it wasn't worth waking him.

She did her best to answer their questions (which mostly consisted of gems like "Will we get to watch porn as research?" and "Can I skip if I get a note from my priest?"), and when the bell rang, she motioned for Sam to wake up Derek.

"D, let's go," Sam said as he shoved Derek's shoulder.

"Huh? Oh, what?" he looked up. "Class finally over?"

"Yes, and did you hear the news?" Sam asked as they exited the classroom.

"No, Sammy, I was sleeping, remember?"

"We have to have some sort of intensive sex ed seminar next week. With the senior health class."

"Sweet. That means senior girls getting all giggly. They're going to need someone to show them how to use all that contraception we'll be talking about."

Sam paled. "Uh…right." He was not looking forward to this, not one bit. "You do remember that Kendra will be in the class?"

Derek stopped short. "Oh. I forgot."

"Awk-ward," Sam singsonged, as he tried to push thoughts of next week from his mind. "Catch ya later, D."

"Yeah," Derek answered distractedly, suddenly not so cocky.

LWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWD

On Monday, the junior health class assembled in their classroom, waiting for the seniors to trickle in. Derek noticed Kendra and a few other senior girls, and some guys from the football team. And of course Max. How could he have forgotten Max was in that class?

The next nasty surprise came when Senora Sanchez entered the room.

Derek turned to Sam in horror. "Dude, why didn't you tell me _she_ was teaching us?"

Sam, beads of sweat already beginning to form on his forehead, gulped. "More important things on my mind, I guess," he choked out.

Ralph leaned over to join in their conversation. "This is going to be sweet!" he crowed, nodding to a large Tupperware container Senora Sanchez had placed on the desk. The Trojan logo could be seen through the plastic.

_Poor, naïve Ralph_, Emily thought, overhearing his comment. She was beginning to feel as nervous as Sam looked. Casey had her notebook out, pen in hand, looking ready to start copying down all of the lovely facts they were going to be learning. Leave it to the keener to take an analytical approach to something as monumental as sex ed. Emily saw this as sort of a rite of passage; she had seen it play out in plenty of movies, but she'd never even had "the talk" with her parents. She and Sheldon had only made out before he moved, and she had been hoping to be able to take things a little further before he left. However, Sheldon was a gentleman. Emily was ready to shed her good-girl image and go a little wild now that she was no longer the so-called "future Mrs. Schlepper." She was counting on some enlightening information.

Max had taken a seat next to Casey and eyed her warily. He knew she was as inexperienced as he was in this department, but the difference was that his football buddies couldn't know that. They all thought they'd gotten to second base, because that's what he'd told them, but to tell the truth Max wasn't even entirely sure what second base was. He always got them confused. That's why he played football, not baseball. And he could safely say he'd never, uh, scored a touchdown when it came to these types of things. Boy, was he in way over his head.

Kendra nodded hello to Casey and Max and took a seat near them with the other senior girls. She glanced Derek's way, and he gave her a half-nod. Okay, so they hadn't talked much since their breakup. At least he was being friendly. She had a feeling this could get weird though. After all, the two of them could practically teach the class themselves.

Trevor sauntered into the classroom with a minute to spare before the bell, and Kendra's breath caught in her throat as she spotted him. "Who's _that_?" she leaned over to ask Casey, when she saw both her and Emily wave hello. Casey shushed her.

Casey obviously hadn't picked up on the way Kendra was looking at him, because she invited Trevor to sit with them. "Trevor, this is Kendra, and this is my boyfriend Max. Trevor's been studying abroad in France," she explained, seeing that Kendra and Max didn't recognize him. Trevor grunted hello and sat down in front of the group, his back to them. Max shrugged and continued flipping through a magazine, but Kendra's eyes lit up. "Ooh, France. That's so cool," she breathed. Unfortunately, Trevor didn't turn around, and she pouted. Emily rolled her eyes and gave Casey a sly smile. Casey returned the gesture.

Senora Sanchez had been writing on the board, and when she stepped back she revealed the word "abstinence" in big bold letters. "Now, class, we have a lot to discuss in only a limited amount of time, so let's get started. Can anyone tell me what this word means?" she asked.

Casey's hand shot up, and she was happy to see that a few others' had as well.

"Miss McDonald?" Senora Sanchez beamed. Derek groaned inwardly. Of course Casey was going to be the star of this class. He didn't think he'd be able to stomach it if she kept answering these kinds of questions. But he figured he could always tease her at home later as his reward for sitting through this bullshit. After all, he and Kendra could probably teach this class on their own.

"It means that someone makes the decision that he or she will not engage in sexual behavior." The football team members present (minus Max) let out loud boos after she answered, and Senora Sanchez frowned at them.

"Very good, Miss McDonald. Many schools take this approach to sexual education, in that they decide they do not want their students to learn about sex because they fear it will cause more people to make unwise choices. However, we here at Sir John Sparrow Thompson High feel that knowledge is power. We'd like you to make informed decisions about your emotional and physical well-being. This seminar will cover various aspects of sexual education, including sexually transmitted diseases, various forms of contraception—"

"Free condoms, sweet!" Ralph interrupted loudly.

Derek and the football players whooped their approval and Senora Sanchez held up her hands. "Enough! I will not have immature behavior in this classroom, is that clear?" Derek swore she was looking at him when she said this, even though Ralph had been the one to speak out of turn.

"Now, let's get down to business. Today will be about finding out what you know. So I'd like to ask all of you to write down some questions you may have about any of the topics we will be covering, and we will all take turns asking them aloud. That way, we will hopefully stimulate some helpful discussion. Now, go ahead and get out a piece of paper, and begin."

Ralph nudged Derek and snickered, "Stimulate." Derek smirked. Sam made a gulping noise.

A rustling of papers could be heard as well as Kendra's loud whisper to Emily about borrowing a sheet. Emily's hands shook so badly as she was tearing the paper out of her notebook that it was a miracle she didn't give herself a paper cut.

Understandably, the question session was pretty uncomfortable. The only people who didn't look fazed by the frank sexual discussion were Casey and Trevor. Casey because she was mature enough to hear the word "scrotum" without giggling, and Trevor because he looked bored out of his mind.

Senora Sanchez was calling on students in no particular order and Emily had the unfortunate task of being the first girl to ask a question.

"Um…I've heard that using two, uh, you know, um, condoms at once is actually less safe than using one," Emily choked out. Ralph caught her eye and gave her a thumb's up, and she calmed considerably.

Kendra piped up, "It doesn't matter, as long as you use them."

Senora Sanchez looked surprised. "Actually, Kendra, Emily is correct. Using two condoms increases the chances of breakage, and is actually not very safe."

"Oh," Kendra blushed, looking annoyed. She quickly glanced at Trevor to see if he'd turned around, but he continued to stare straight ahead, counting the minutes until the bell.

"So much for Miss Sexpert over there," Derek whispered to Ralph. He rolled his eyes.

Senora Sanchez called on Sam next, and he wiped his brow. It did little to stop more sweat from reappearing seconds later.

"Is it true that anal sex is a form of sodomy?" he asked nervously, staring at his desk.

"Isn't that a gay people thing?" Ralph piped up bluntly.

Sam slouched further and further down in his chair. "I'm not gay," he said quickly.

Ralph gave him a strange look. "I know, buddy."

Senora Sanchez sighed. "Dios mio, which to answer first? Ralph, it is not, as you so eloquently put it, a 'gay people thing.' Plenty of heterosexual couples practice anal sex if they so choose. And yes, Sam, it is technically a form of sodomy, though sodomy laws are for the most part no longer valid in Canada. Max, you're up."

Max cleared his throat and looked like he wanted to be anywhere but in the hot seat. "You see, um, well, is there a certain way for a guy's, uh, equipment to look? Because lately there's been some, uh, discoloration. And I've had this rash—"

There was a collective groan from the football team, and one of his buddies tapped the back of his chair. "TMI, man, TMI."

Senora Sanchez tugged on her ear in frustration. "Max, why don't you see me after class, where we can talk in private about this?"

He nodded, and Casey put a reassuring hand on his shoulder, though she couldn't look him in the eye.

Trevor was up next. He barely moved his lips as he asked, "I've heard women reach their sexual peak at forty. What's the age for guys?"

"Yeah, can old people still get it on?" Ralph blurted out, earning himself a dirty look from Senora Sanchez.

"Men generally reach their sexual peak in their late teens to early twenties."

Trevor nodded in response, and Ralph couldn't help but ask, "Do you need a prescription for Viagra? Because if I'm going to be past my prime in the next few years I'm going to need a lot of it."

Chuckles circled the room but Senora Sanchez looked like her patience was wearing thin.

"Ralph, do you have a serious question for us?"

He thought for a moment. "Yeah. My grandma told me if I jerk off too much I'll go blind. That can't possibly be true, can it?"

Kendra started to say no, but then second-guessed herself. Derek snorted. Her confidence was obviously waning. Even he knew that was an old wives' tale.

Senora Sanchez nodded. "Kendra is correct. There is no proof that masturbation causes blindness."

Kendra beamed.

Casey spoke up. "That sort of goes with my question, actually." Senora Sanchez nodded for her to continue. "Is there a right way to masturbate? I don't really know what I'm doing and sometimes I feel like I shouldn't even be doing it at all." She blushed furiously when she finished her little speech, and the full weight of how much she had just shared hit her when she saw Max's eyes practically fall out of his head.

_Did Casey think about him when she masturbated?_ he wondered. _Is it bad that I don't think about her? I mean, I'm never actually going to meet any of the Golden Girls, so it's not cheating, right?_

Meanwhile, Derek's reaction was similar to Max's. His mouth was hanging open in shock. He would have to think twice about just barging into her room now. He hadn't given much thought to Casey's sex life; he just assumed she didn't have one. Well, okay, that was a lie. He'd wondered. But to hear her confirm that she actually…the thought left a bad taste in his mouth.

Senora Sanchez thought about how to best answer Casey's question. "My dear, as long as it feels good, you're doing it correctly. Does that help?"

"A little…" she trailed off feebly.

Kendra decided to rescue her, since Emily's eyes were glued to her notebook and she was nervously nibbling on her thumbnail.

"It's okay, Casey, I do it too."

Casey smiled at Kendra gratefully.

Derek barely heard her, but when her words registered, he groaned inwardly. These girls just loved messing with his head. This was too much.

"I think it's cool when girls are knowledgeable about their bodies. It makes it a lot easier on the guy if the girl knows what she likes," Trevor spoke up, turning around to look directly at Kendra.

She fluttered her eyelashes, relishing the attention. "Thanks, Trevor. That's really cool of you to say."

Trevor cocked his head in what Casey and Emily recognized was his idea of a smile, since his lips didn't actually curve upward unless there was a really good reason. Kendra gave him one last flirty glance, and he turned back around to face front. Casey smiled at Kendra, who fanned herself, mouthing, "Cute!"

The bell rang then, and Senora Sanchez dismissed them.

The class filed out of the room silently, heads swimming with all the information they had gathered that day.

LWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWD

"Day Two of this torture-fest," Emily grumbled as she took her seat next to Casey. Casey patted her hand.

"Don't worry, Em, we're almost halfway done."

"Easy for you to say. You're Miss Play-it-Cool. I'm a wreck." She pointed to her shaking hand. "Look."

"Just try to relax, Em, that's all I can say. At least you didn't have to endure dinner with Derek last night. He kept making all these suggestive comments. It's a miracle George and Mom didn't pick up on them."

"Hey, Emily, feeling okay?" Ralph asked as he passed her desk. "You look a little pale."

Emily blushed. "Thanks, but I'm okay. Just nervous."

"So's Sam," Ralph said, pointing at his friend, who was sitting slumped at his desk with his head in his hands. "Don't sweat it. We all hate it, so at least we're all in the same bus."

"Boat," Casey corrected.

"Who has a boat?" Ralph asked, confused.

Emily nudged Casey and giggled. "Never mind. Thanks for the encouragement."

"No problem," Ralph said, winking at her, and then taking his seat.

Casey and Emily exchanged bemused glances. Sure, Ralph was always nice, but he was certainly paying a lot of attention to Emily all of a sudden.

Senora Sanchez entered then, and when everyone was seated, she brought out the big Tupperware container.

"Today will be about contraception. It is important to know how to stay safe, if you do make the decision to become sexually active. Condoms are only 97 effective. Therefore, it is important to also learn about other forms of contraception so that you can greatly reduce your chances of getting pregnant or contracting a sexually transmitted disease. That being said, we're starting with condoms because they are one of the most common forms of birth control. Now, each of you will take a banana," she instructed, pulling the fruit out. "And a condom. Practice putting your condom on your banana and I'll walk around to see how you are doing."

"So we _do_ get free condoms," Ralph enthused as she began passing out the material.

"We can't use them after this, though," Derek reminded Ralph, and Ralph looked a little annoyed. Sam just shook his head at his two friends. He doubted he'd even be able to open the package, let alone work the thing. This was a pressure-filled experience, and Ralph and Derek were treating it like a joke. He would never understand their devil-may-care attitude.

Once Kendra got her condom she motioned for Casey and Emily to watch her, and she quickly threw the condom on the floor up by Trevor's desk. Casey groaned inwardly at her display, and exchanged a look of disbelief with Emily.

Kendra sauntered up to Trevor's desk, bending seductively towards him to grab the condom. Her shirt was so low-cut he got a view of quite a bit more cleavage than necessary as she bent over. He glanced at her with a twinkle in his eye; she didn't fool him for a second.

"I dropped this," Kendra said coyly, biting her lip and tossing her hair as she stood up. Trevor just grunted, and looked back down at his notebook, though the slight hint of a blush was spreading across his face.

Kendra returned to her seat triumphantly, and busied herself with opening the wrapper.

The football players in the back got their condoms on pretty quickly, and sat around poking each other with their bananas and having pretend swordfights.

Emily's fingers shook so badly that Casey had to help her slide it over the peel when Senora Sanchez wasn't looking, and Kendra was trying so hard to do it correctly that she ended up squishing the tip of her banana, fruit oozing out into the condom. Derek looked over at her in horror, and Ralph nudged him.

"Just think, that could have been you, dude."

Derek shuddered. He didn't want this to taint his memories of Kendra, but she was making it awfully difficult. She had claimed to be so proficient at this stuff. He held up his perfectly protected banana as Senora Sanchez walked by, and she gave him a surprised look.

"Very good, Derek." He smirked at her when her back was turned, then slowly unwrapped the banana, opened the peel, and took a bite out of it.

Ralph, meanwhile, had been so busy watching everyone else that he hadn't really been paying attention. When he finally got the condom out of the package and placed it on the banana, he got a little overenthusiastic. The condom ended up snapping off the banana and hitting him in the eye.

"Ow!" he screeched, and everyone turned to look at him. "I'm fine, I'm fine," he grumbled, aware that people were stifling their laughter.

He finally completed the task, and once the bananas had been collected (Senora Sanchez scolded Derek for eating his), she introduced other popular forms of birth control, such as the Pill, the diaphragm, and IUDs.

She passed around a sample diaphragm and many of the guys were grossed out when they learned how exactly it was inserted.

"It's not that different from a tampon," Casey chided, as Max quickly passed it to her.

"Yeah, well, tampons gross us out, too," Ralph volunteered.

Senora Sanchez chose to move on. From there she covered common STDs, and even pulled out a slideshow of pictures, which produced many more cries of "Ew!" from the class, both girls and boys.

Finally, they moved on to another interactive portion of the seminar.

Senora Sanchez pulled out two sock puppets from the Tupperware and Derek cried out in recognition, "Hey, that's my—"

"This is just a sock puppet, Derek," Senora Sanchez said firmly, and he grinned. One of them was quite obviously the Senora Sanchez puppet Derek had made, except now it was bald. Casey caught his eye and they snickered.

"I am going to choose two volunteers to come up to the front of the class and pretend they are discussing birth control with their partners. You might feel more comfortable using the puppets instead of talking directly to each other, but you do not have to use them. Now, let's see. Why don't we make it Derek, and Kendra."

They both looked horrified. "No!" Kendra blurted out. "I mean, we already had that conversation," she mumbled, and Derek threw up his hands in agreement.

"It wasn't like it was a secret," one of the football players told Derek, punching his arm. Derek smirked in response, and one of the guys whooped.

"Okay, okay, calm yourselves. How about Emily and Ralph?"

Emily could barely stand, but somehow she made it to the front of the room. She slipped the sock puppet over her hand and wiped her other clammy one on her jeans. Ralph, looking completely unfazed, joined her and took his own puppet.

"Hi, I'm Ralph. Wanna have sex?" he asked, rubbing his puppeted hand against Emily's. She jumped about a foot, but replied weakly, "Uh, sure, but…" she trailed off, looking to Senora Sanchez for help.

"Remember, Emily, you want to protect yourself against STDs and pregnancy."

"Oh, right. Um, we should both get STD tests first to make sure we're both clean."

Ralph made his puppet nod. "And you should go on the Pill, because I'm really rich and I can pay for it for you."

Emily made her puppet nod. "Right. And we have to buy condoms, because we should always use a back-up method of birth control."

"Coolness. I'll bring the wine." Ralph rubbed his hand against Emily's again, and she turned red.

"Yeah, um, okay, I'll make an appointment with my gynecologist to talk about my birth control." She tried to inch away from Ralph but he was too busy massaging her hand through the puppet.

"Sounds good. Can we make out now?" Ralph made kissing noises and pressed up against her puppet some more, which earned chuckles from the class.

Senora Sanchez motioned for them to take their seats. "Nice job, you two. Now I'd like to try another scenario. Let's say you are responding to some unwanted sexual advances. Casey and Trevor, why don't you try that one?"

Emily and Ralph didn't take their eyes off each other as they slipped the puppets from their hands and took their seats. He winked at her and she almost bumped into Casey, who was on her way up to the front of the room. "At least he made you forget your nerves for a bit," Casey whispered, and Emily nodded weakly.

Trevor looked absolutely bored out of his mind when he got up to the front, but managed to put on a pretty good show. Kendra watched with fascination.

"Hey pretty lady, how _you_ doin'?" Trevor drawled, and the class laughed.

Casey tried her best to sound sultry. "Hey, sexy, I'm fine, how are you?"

"I'm good. Real good. But you know what would make me even better?"

"What?" Casey purred, and Max found himself wishing she talked to _him_ like that.

"Having you come home with me tonight." Trevor moved his sock puppet right next to Casey's, and reached out to brush against her.

"I don't think so." Casey pushed on his puppet, and made hers scurry away, but Trevor's followed.

"Come back here!" he called, and Casey rammed her puppet's head into Trevor's puppet's stomach.

"No, I don't want to sleep with you! I just wanted to make out!" Casey cried, and made her puppet run away, leaving Trevor's hand to fall limply to his side in defeat.

"Well, not quite what I had in mind, but well done. The lesson we should take from this is that you should never let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. That's enough for today; the bell is going to ring any moment," Senora Sanchez said.

She packed up her Tupperware and headed out of the classroom when the bell rang, and everyone else began gathering their belongings. Kendra passed by Trevor on her way out and whispered in his ear, "_I'd_ sleep with you," before winking and sashaying out of the room.

Trevor turned to Casey and Emily, who were walking towards him. "Did you hear her?" he asked in disbelief. He wasn't used to girls being so forward; he kind of liked it.

Casey and Emily burst out laughing when he repeated what she'd said, and Casey assured him that Kendra was just being Kendra.

Trevor ran to catch up with her then, and slowed when he came in stride with her. "Hey, Kendra," he greeted, and she looked over in surprise.

"Hey, Trevor," she replied.

"I get the feeling you want me to ask you out," he observed, and she giggled.

"Whatever gave you that idea?"

"So, would you go out with me this weekend?" Trevor didn't see any point in messing around. Kendra seemed nice, and she was friendly with Em and Casey; how bad could she be? He could forgive the fact that she was Derek the Player's ex.

Kendra was taken aback. She had been expecting to have to flirt a little more. "Well…sure."

"Good," he returned, cocking his head again in that almost-smile. "I'll see you tomorrow." And with that he disappeared into the crowd of students making their way to class.

Kendra stood there for a few moments, drinking in her victory. Date with European-educated, hot punk guy? Check. Now she had to figure out what the hell they could talk about alone together.

LWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWD

"One more day!" Casey exhaled loudly as she entered the health classroom. Derek barreled past her on the way to his seat, causing her to drop her books.

"Der-ek!" she cried, as Emily bent to help her gather her things. He took his seat with a smug smile; his objective of annoying Casey for the day had already been fulfilled, and it was barely lunchtime.

Ralph sat down next to Derek and whispered, "Dude, have you seen Sam? He looks awful!" Derek was about to respond, when Sam slouched into the classroom, looking exhausted, and with bags under his eyes.

"Didn't sleep at all last night," Sam groaned, taking a seat next to his friends.

Ralph gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. "What are you so worked up for? There's only one more day of this…" he trailed off, seeing Emily finish helping Casey with her books, and sit down. He winked at Derek and Sam, and went over to her. Derek wasn't quite sure how he felt about Ralph hitting on Em. He knew Ralph was a good guy, but really, what could they possibly have in common?

"He'll be a nice rebound guy for her," Sam told Derek, as if reading his thoughts. "She's so upset about losing Sheldon."

Derek nodded. "Yeah, I guess."

Meanwhile, the fact that Emily and Ralph were in the middle of flirting up a storm didn't escape Casey, either. She eyed Sam and Derek, raising her eyebrows.

Sam shrugged, and she noticed his haggard appearance. "You okay?" she mouthed, and Sam nodded appreciatively.

Derek turned his attention away from the eye-sex-fest going on at Emily's desk, and noticed Kendra come in. She waved at him, and he was about to wave back when he noticed Trevor trailing in after her, programming a phone number into…Kendra's phone? How did that happen? Derek wondered.

Trevor gave the cell phone back to Kendra, and took his seat; she smiled at him. Derek couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy, though he knew he was over her. It was more about the fact that even Ralph was getting some action, and he was still single. He looked at Casey to see her reaction to the Kendra-Trevor development, but she was too busy talking to Max. Seriously, were any of his friends unattached? Oh, yeah, Sam. But Sam was still looking too pale and jumpy to bring him into a conversation about puke-worthy couples. Derek sighed. At least he only had to endure one more day of this sex ed crap. It was getting pretty old.

Senora Sanchez entered then, Tupperware in tow. She placed it on the desk with a bang, and everyone hurriedly took their seats.

"Today, we're going to begin by viewing a video. A camera crew followed one woman into the delivery room so that students like you can see firsthand the consequences of unprotected sexual intercourse. I would like everyone to hold their comments to the end, please," she instructed, glaring at Ralph and Derek.

Emily immediately pulled a bag of crackers and a bottle of ginger ale out of her bag.

"What's all that?" Casey whispered, as Emily began nibbling on a cracker.

"Oh, I knew I was going to get nauseous during this part, so I wanted to be prepared," she explained, taking a swig of ginger ale and wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Em, you watch horror movies, and they don't gross you out," Casey responded.

"That's different. That's fake. Besides, this stupid class already makes me nervous, but a birthing video on top of it? Torture."

Casey shook her head. She couldn't understand how Emily could overreact so much. She thought _she_ was supposed to be the Drama Queen.

Famous last words. As the baby's head began crowning, Casey stole a cracker from Emily's bag and stuffed it in her mouth. Emily didn't even notice. She was too busy trying to keep her breakfast down. Oh, God. She was never having children.

Max was staring straight ahead at the screen, eyes unblinking. Casey put a tentative hand over his and he jumped, looking at her sheepishly. They held hands through the rest of the video; it calmed Casey down.

Kendra, meanwhile, was doodling in her notebook. She had been in the delivery room when her sister had a baby, so this was old hat for her. But she could have done without all the screaming the poor woman was doing. It was a little disconcerting. Then again, her niece had been about six pounds, and this baby looked considerably bigger. She stole a glance at Trevor, who once again looked cool as a cucumber. She didn't know how he did it.

On the other side of the room, Derek and Ralph were staring open-mouthed at the screen, for once at a loss for words. Senora Sanchez's admonition had been completely unnecessary.

Sam, on the other hand, was losing it. He bolted out of his chair and stumbled to the door, ripping it open and fleeing to the nearest trash can.

The class got up and crowded around the door; Senora Sanchez paused the video and went out into the hallway to check on him.

After Sam had emptied his stomach into the can, he felt a little better, but Senora Sanchez insisted he go to the nurse. She knew the subject matter made him queasy, and there was no use trying to finish the video if he was just going to start retching again.

After poor Sam went off to see the nurse, looking better, but still pretty pale, Senora Sanchez started up the video again and the class endured more excruciating views of labor. When it was finally all over, she announced they'd play a game: Sex Jeopardy.

Casey automatically raised her hand to be team captain. Derek rolled his eyes. Of course she'd volunteer for something like that. After all, she always had to be the best. He figured he'd just zone out and pay attention only when he had to answer a question, but then a thought occurred to him. Here was his chance to beat Casey without even really trying. He so had this in the bag. Why should she get all the glory?

To everyone's surprise, Derek raised his hand when Senora Sanchez requested another team captain.

Senora Sanchez looked at him blankly for a moment, as if she was unsure he really had just volunteered for something like this. Then she snapped out of it, and instructed the class to divide into two even groups. Kendra, Emily, Max, and most of the football players joined Casey's team, and Trevor joined Ralph (who looked like he really wanted to be sitting next to Emily) and the rest of the football team, plus the senior girls.

Derek was surprised that Trevor had joined him, and said so.

Trevor shrugged. "I know Casey's going to beat you, so I wanted to make it a little fairer."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, buddy," Derek said sarcastically, and Trevor settled into his seat, looking bored yet again.

The game started out easily enough; the categories were pretty straightforward: STDs, Contraception, Male Reproductive System, Female Reproductive System, and Sexual Crimes.

Both sides exhausted the easy questions early on, and they were neck and neck. Somewhere in the middle of all this Derek and Casey had begun trading insults whenever one or the other was up at bat. Senora Sanchez chose to ignore it.

"I'll take STDs for 400," Casey called to Senora Sanchez.

Derek quipped, "Now, now, Casey, don't make any _rash_ decisions."

She stuck her tongue out at him and he smirked. Senora Sanchez read the question.

"This vaccine has been approved to protect women against HPV."

"What is Gardasil?"

"That is correct."

When it came around to Derek's turn, he picked Contraception for 600.

"Are you sure you don't want to _pull out_ of the game?" Casey taunted, and he flipped her off while Senora Sanchez's back was turned.

"This must be taken within twenty-four hours of unprotected sex in order to prevent a pregnancy. Even then, it only has a 95 success rate."

"What is the morning-after pill?" Derek said confidently, and he was also correct.

Ralph had been getting every question wrong, but he was desperate to show Emily he wasn't a complete dunce.

He lucked out on his next turn. The only category left with a 200 square was Sexual Crimes, and he picked it, hoping for the best.

"Three of these commonly used are GHB, Rohypnol, and Ketamine."

Ralph thought for a second. They sounded like drugs to him. "What are date rape drugs?" He was relived to hear that it was correct, and Emily gave him a thumbs-up from across the room. This made him smile, but he quickly stopped when he saw Derek's glare. _So what if they were on opposite teams?_ Ralph thought. _It's just a game. _

Derek was up again, and then Ralph remembered. Nothing was ever "just a game" when Derek and Casey were involved.

After a few more intense rounds, the teams were tied. Derek and Casey had volunteered to be last up, and they stared each other down across the room, each determined to emerge victorious.

Senora Sanchez looked at the board. There were two squares left: Male Reproductive System for 800, and Sexual Crimes for 1000.

Casey picked Sexual Crimes, and Derek snarked, "You really don't want to take any more _abuse_, now do you? Just give up now."

She held her head high. She could beat him at this, she knew it.

"This offense is punishable by a maximum of fourteen years in prison and can also be considered child abuse if not consensual."

"What is incest?" Casey's eyes flickered to Derek as she answered, and she saw him tense, but she wasn't sure if that was just because she had answered correctly.

Derek slammed his fist onto the desk in frustration. Glancing at the scoreboard, he realized he had to get the next one right, or his team would lose.

Senora Sanchez picked up the Male Reproductive System card. "The glands located below the Prostate that secrete a clear fluid when a male becomes aroused."

Derek paled. He had no idea. "What are the…" he took a wild guess. "Fluidal glands?"

"I'm sorry, that's incorrect. The correct answer is the Cowper's glands. This means that Miss McDonald's team wins!"

Casey's team began high-fiving each other and jumping up and down. Derek slumped in his chair. He was not going to let Casey get away with this. She could look forward to some bugs in her sheets or dye in her shampoo real soon. He couldn't believe she'd beaten him at Sex Jeopardy.

"Don't sweat it, D," Sam said, and Derek did a double take.

"When did you get back?" he asked in bewilderment.

"Like five minutes ago. You were so wrapped up in the game I didn't want to break your concentration." Sam told him, looking considerably calmer.

"Not like it did any good," Derek grumbled.

Ralph stopped gazing at Emily long enough to agree with Sam. "Come on, Derek. You did pretty well. It's a miracle we got that close to winning."

This still didn't cheer Derek up. "Yeah, whatever."

He walked over to Casey's desk and interrupted her excited chattering to Emily. "Good game," he said, extending his hand.

Casey looked startled, but shook his hand firmly. "You too. No hard feelings?"

"None whatsoever," Derek said, mustering up what sounded like sincerity. Oh, he'd have no hard feelings, once she was good and pranked.

Senora Sanchez called the class back to order and told them it was almost time to go. She handed out a survey for the class to take to rate the effectiveness of the seminar.

As each student filled it out and shuffled up to her desk to hand it in, Derek caught Kendra's eye. He whispered, "So you and Trevor, huh?"

"Yeah. I really like him. I'm just kind of nervous because he's so sophisticated, you know?"

"Don't be worried. I think you'll get along great," Derek told her with a smile.

She smiled back. "Thanks." He took her hand and gave it a squeeze before returning to his seat. She sighed in relief. If Derek of all people was telling her to go for it, she had nothing to worry about.

LWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWD

At lunch that day, Casey, Derek, Sam, and Max were gathered around a table, discussing the last few days.

"I can't believe Senora Sanchez made us tell our business to the class," Max said, still embarrassed. He'd refused to tell Casey what Senora Sanchez had told him after class about his…equipment problem. He just wanted to forget about the whole thing. But at least the cream Senora had recommended seemed to be working.

"I can't believe Ralph hit himself in the eye with a condom," Sam laughed, finally back to his normal self. He never wanted to go through anything like that again.

"I can't believe not one single senior girl hit on you," Casey teased Derek. She was glad to be finished with the class as well, though she had fared much better than poor Sam and Emily.

Derek glared at her. "Hey, to be fair, they were a little distracted by the football team."

"Because football players are better than hockey players, right Derek?" Max grinned.

"Absolutely not. That's not what I meant. I was just too preoccupied with my education to notice them, that's all."

"Oh, is _that_ what it was?" Sam asked innocently, trying not to laugh. Derek swatted him with his napkin.

"I can't believe Emily has a crush on Ralph," Derek continued, trying to take the focus off of himself.

"Speaking of those two, has anyone seen them lately?" Casey piped up. Emily had been right next to her heading into the lunchroom, but had somehow disappeared.

Everyone shrugged.

Derek scratched his head. "You don't think they…"

Everyone stood up, lunches forgotten. "Janitor's closet?" Sam asked Derek, and he nodded.

"Janitor's closet?" Casey mouthed to Sam, and he hurriedly explained as they headed out of the lunchroom.

"That's Derek's favorite make-out spot, and Ralph knows about it."

The group reached the door to the janitor's closet, and Derek and Casey pulled it open together.

"Aha!" Casey screeched, as Emily and Ralph came into view.

Max, Sam, Derek, and Casey started clapping as Em and Ralph quickly began wiping their mouths, and they exited the closet sheepishly.

Casey pulled Emily into the nearest girls' room, and the guys took turns punching Ralph in the arm and exclaiming over the news.

"Calm down, guys, we were just trying to relieve our stress from that stupid class," Ralph insisted.

"So that's what kids are calling it nowadays," Sam quipped. "Stress relief."

"Looked more like someone has a huge crush on Emily to me," Derek insisted, and Ralph blushed.

"She's hot, so sue me," he shrugged, and the guys walked down the hall back towards the lunchroom, figuring they wouldn't see Casey and Emily again for a while.

"At least some good came out of that class," Max mused, and the others murmured their agreement.

"Hey, over there, Kendra and Trevor are holding hands," Sam pointed, and the guys turned to look. Sure enough, they were standing by her locker, hands intertwined.

"Should we go embarrass them?" Ralph asked hopefully.

"You know it," Derek said, and the group took off in the direction of Kendra's locker, whistling and clapping as they went.

LWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWDLWD

There you have it. Here was the prompt:

"Health class... it's time for THE sex talk. STDs, safe sex, etc. You've all had it. Now it's time for the kids at Thompson High to have it. Please include Ralph putting a condom on a banana and asking stupid questions, awkward!Sam, Emily nibbling on crackers and being nervous, Derek and Casey as team captains playing Sex Jeopardy and being muy competitive, and Max asking questions about odd discoloration and rashes... poor Max, not. Include Kendra and Trevor somehow too. Because they rock. And the quote, "Free condoms, sweet!" Preferably said by Derek, but it can be by anyone that you choose. Try to keep it as canon as you can... there can be Dasey hints, but no full out Dasey. Maybe some Semily, Rendra, Sendra, or Kenvor? Or... with Driving Lessons just having aired Remily?"

Happy, Allie? ;)


End file.
